Please explain why you are placing a dorm room transfer request.

Not gonna lie, I set up the plastic sheeting and squirted dish soap all over it and made a sort of homemade slip-and-slide on the ramp in the entryway hall. You saw me. Friday night. Not my wisest decision. I only did it because it was poor Trisha’s birthday, and after everything she went through with Bret, my girl needed a pick-me-up.

Trisha and I had always laughed about how the ramp would make a good slide, so when I saw her so blue I went for it.

I figured it would be easy to get rid of the plastic sheeting afterward. I did not know dish soap isn’t slippery without water. I tried to avoid adding water. Trisha got a big red spot on her backside from sliding without water. Everyone felt so bad.

And when I did bring the hose in, I only ran it for a minute. Everyone heard me. I was like, “Just one minute!” I thought we’d clean up the overflow with paper towels.

Weirdly my roommate Angie (soon to be ex-roommate) showed up the one minute the hose was on. And she showed up pissed. She pushed Trisha. Literally pushed her. Played it as an accident afterward. Everyone was like, What do you have against Trisha?

Then Angie ripped the plastic off the rug, shook the hose everywhere (she got poor Trisha in the face), and started screaming, calling us infantiles or imbeciles or something, I’m not quite sure. She was soaking the carpet. I tried to run up the ramp, back to where the faucet was and turn it off, but as you yourself can attest, I did not make it. I fell.

You saw me. I was trying my best. It is difficult to get on your feet, not to mention stay on your feet, standing on soapy wet plastic sheeting while being jostled on all sides. Trying to get yourself from point A to B is nearly impossible.

Anyway, what I mean is, it’s not me, it’s Angie who ought to be in trouble about the subfloor. I’m sure you understand now that you know the details. At the very least, do not make me live with her for another whole semester. Do not, do not, do not. Ask anyone. Angie can be a real bitch.

Do you have concerns regarding your physical safety?

I mean now that you bring it up, maybe?

What strategies have you already tried to remedy issues with your roommate? What was the outcome?

I am a great listener, and we were friends if you want to call it that, for a little bit, at first. We went off campus once. I mean Angie came when everyone went roller skating. So yeah, I’ve tried. In September, the first time we had a disagreement (I do not remember what it was about) I tried talking to her calmly. Angie, do you have something that you want to get off your chest? You know I am a great listener. Blah blah blah ... what roomies are for. But no. Got nowhere. Girl shuts herself up like a clam.

Over the semester, as our “disagreements” went on, I tried other strategies such as asking her about her hometown and what it was like for her growing up. She didn’t want to talk about that. So then I tried returning the silent treatment. Once, I screamed my head off. The outcome of the strategies was nothing I did worked.

The college housing department strongly encourages students to work through issues with their roommates using the mediation process. Please list the times that work best for you.

Kudos to Dr. Gerri Atler for teaching me to identify a “loaded question” which leaves no room for answers deemed unacceptable. Is it even a question? Feels like a command. I’m not going to mediation, so I won’t be listing any preferred times. I will not sit next to Angie, smelling her sausage breath, while she tells you things that aren’t true. Get me a new room. Period.

What is your desired outcome? What assistance do you seek from college housing?

So it’s back to open-ended questions as we wrap. What is my “desired outcome”? I don’t know, you tell me. Literally, tell me what to do. I mean, you basically just told me to seek professional help. Now you are asking me to share my hopes and dreams regarding the outcome of this shitty living situation. That’s how it always goes at this school. Like, list your research sources in this format, spend all your money on these textbooks, learn all this math you’ll never actually use. But then, when graduation comes, it’s off to work the fryolators till we drop.

Not gonna lie, I only filled out this form because after you called my parents and blabbed to them all about this, they said I had to do what it takes to “rectify the situation.” But I can’t rectify that which is truly wrecked. I am going over to the dean’s office now to disenroll from school. Guess I’m off to seek my fortune or whatever. Tell Angie I said goodbye.

Bio: Alice Kinerk